L i s t o f I n t e l - P e n t i u m J o k e s ___________________________________________________________ File: PBUG_JOKES.TXT -- V 01.21 -- Last Updated: 15/06/95 This is a list of Pentium & Intel jokes, and it's based on a list published by Peter Hofman on December 12, 1994 in the UseNet group "comp.sys.intel" on the Internet. A lot of new jokes and poems from different sources are added. Enjoy! ___________________________________________________________ Abbreviations used: Q = Question, A = Answer 001___________________________________________________________________________ Is there a list of Pentium jokes? I NEED one! No, no. You meant to say you need .999856738903. You want a list?? Here is .999856738903 002___________________________________________________________________________ Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people. 003___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What's the definition of the so-called "tertiary sciences"? A: These are sciences using Intel computer platforms (especially Pentium PC's) only, mostly running under Microsoft's DOS/Windows. They never use more reliable platforms or operating systems, for it isn't worth. 004___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist. 005___________________________________________________________________________ Q: How can anyone find out or prove the capabilities and skills of a to-days (computer) engineer? A: Ask her/him, if (s)he ever buyed an Intel Pentium. -- 006___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: A warning label. 007___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations. 008___________________________________________________________________________ Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above A: Number 4. 009___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel, some weeks ago in another thread on UseNet) 010___________________________________________________________________________ Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605. 011___________________________________________________________________________ Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"? A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee! 012___________________________________________________________________________ TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM 9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside 013___________________________________________________________________________ NEW SLOGANS Intel inside, but can it divide ? Intel inside - can't divide! Intel Pentium - The Chip that redefines math! A slogan that didn't make it onto the released version of the Intel Slogan list: Close enough for government work. And the 0.000000000001th new Intel slogan for the Pentium: We give you the most megaflops. 014___________________________________________________________________________ "Intel, you have a LOT of explaining to do!" 015___________________________________________________________________________ Did you hear Intel's new motto? "United we stand, divided we fall." 016___________________________________________________________________________ ........ News Flash ........ (that used to be news eprom....) There is no national debt!!! The country's books have been kept on a Pentium, and everything is really OK. Details at 11, after Bill (that's Clinton, not Gates) gets Quicken installed on the national Mac. 017___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What new instruction are Intel working on? A: BDV - Branch Davidian. 018___________________________________________________________________________ On the tee-shirt of an inlined skater in Mountain View: "I asked for a refund on my Pentium, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" 019___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium? A: Repentium. (= Replacement Pentium) 020___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What does the element Pentium decay into? A: Inert silicon with the emission of a press release. 021___________________________________________________________________________ The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just Precision-Impaired. 022___________________________________________________________________________ Intel business executives have been so stressed by staying up late at night trying to figure out what to do about the Pentium Problem, that they're past the floating point. 023___________________________________________________________________________ I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today... 024___________________________________________________________________________ "Intel inside: What's a few places of innacuracy? Who needed more than 3.14 anyways?" 025___________________________________________________________________________ Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill being developed as a replacement for RU-486??? Its called RU-Pentium. It causes the embryo to not divide correctly. But it is funnier if the new pill is called "Preventium". That's what was used a year or two ago when the above joke (without the divide part, of course!) made the rounds. 026___________________________________________________________________________ Q : What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A1: Successive approximations. A2: A random number generator. A3: Or a really expensive space heater. 027___________________________________________________________________________ Intel extends the IEEE floating point standard. In addition to NaN's (Not a Number's), they also have NaA's (Not an Answer's). 028___________________________________________________________________________ At Intel, Quality is Job .99999998!! (This semi-plagiarized from "At Microsoft, Quality is Job 1.1!") 029___________________________________________________________________________ The Pentium says: 4195835-(4195835/3145727)*3145727 = 256 --- But is it right? Hmm, figure it out in your head, and you more accurate than the Pentium.... --- 030___________________________________________________________________________ The top ten reasons to buy a Pentium machine ============================================ 10. Your current computer is too accurate. 9. You want to get into the GUINNESS BOOK as "Owner of most expensive paperweight". 8. Math errors add zest to life. 7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S. 6. You want to see what all the fuss is about. 5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff. 4. The "INTEL INSIDE" logo matches your decor perfectly. 3. You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating. 2. You got a great deal from JPL. And the #1 reason to buy a Pentium machine: 1. It'll probably work. 031___________________________________________________________________________ Intel Inside ============ "Intel Inside!," Intel vied, with ample pride world wide in guide "Proven and tried!". "Intel Inside!" Budgets sighed; millions buyed; RISC sales dried like ancient bride. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide! Scientists cried, fit to be tied, and numbers fried. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide!! Pi's pied when FDIV died and accuracy denied. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide? Executives hide from "outside" during Intel bide on warranty decide. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide?!! See "Thalidomide". (Taken for a ride.) Intel lied. Vernon R.J. Schmid, Edmonton 032___________________________________________________________________________ How about a T Shirt with a take off of the Intel logo - "Intel Outside". ... or "Intel Offside"... Or, on a takeoff of Sony's slogan "My First Sony," a sticker saying "My Last Intel" that we can all put on our machines. 033___________________________________________________________________________ New logo for IBM, DEC, HP, Compaq, etc., PC's: 'Intel Aside' 034___________________________________________________________________________ Secondary products resulting from the impact of excited Pentium particles on stone walls include 'Resentium' and assorted Alpha particles. 035___________________________________________________________________________ Pentium specification errata: Addition -> Ambition Subtraction -> Distraction Multiplication -> Uglification Division -> Derision; i.e., LDIV -> LDER Please update your manuals. 036___________________________________________________________________________ Intel has finally located the bug in the Pentium's floating point unit: It was a praying mantissa. (Praying for precision, no doubt.) 037___________________________________________________________________________ Intel -- The new standard of accuracy. 038___________________________________________________________________________ Pentium, the computer your kids can relate to: it can't do fractions either. 039___________________________________________________________________________ I wonder... Does Intel use a buggy Pentium to calculate the quarterly dividends for its stockholders? An interesting question, to be sure. 040___________________________________________________________________________ Something is for sure: Intel used a Pentium to calculate the 27000 years it takes to give an error. 041___________________________________________________________________________ PENTIUM = Practically Everyone Now Thinks It's Useless for Math. 042___________________________________________________________________________ PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics. 043___________________________________________________________________________ PENTIUM = Processor Errors Numbering Thousands In Users Machines. 044___________________________________________________________________________ INTEL = Incredibly Nonchalantly Telling Evil Lies 045___________________________________________________________________________ INTEL = I Never Test Enough Logic 046___________________________________________________________________________ Quality is undividable... ...or is it? 047___________________________________________________________________________ I have a 100 MHz Pentium based computer and would like to point out that - despite of recent negative reports - this machine is highly rel!##@$%%%&&^\^^^\\#**++~^^@@#$$%%\\\ 048___________________________________________________________________________ Intel Inside? Don't Divide! 049___________________________________________________________________________ Definition of fraud: knowingly selling bad chips as good for five months. 050___________________________________________________________________________ I gather that FDIV bit off more of the mantissa than it could chew. 051___________________________________________________________________________ 2 + 2 = 100 (base 2) = 11 (base 3) = 10 (base 4) = 4 (base 5 and higher) = 3.9998736 (base unit containing a Pentium) 052___________________________________________________________________________ What's the difference between an Intel Pentium and a Ford Pinto? None, really: the flaw and the company's attitude about it really burn you. 053___________________________________________________________________________ What's the difference between a Thalidomide pill and a Pentium chip? One causes deformities on the outside, and the other is deformed on the inside. 054___________________________________________________________________________ How do you use a Pentium machine so that you get correct calculations? Steady your hands against it so you are not shaking your slide ruler. 055___________________________________________________________________________ What's the difference between Intel's executives and Richard Nixon? Even Nixon had ethics once in a while. 056___________________________________________________________________________ You are at a remote research station. If you had a choice between a bag full of Pentium chips and a bag full of nacho chips, which would you choose? The nacho chips. Both bags will give you heartburn, but at least the nachos would help you survive. 057___________________________________________________________________________ You have heartburn because of your Pentium microcomputer. How do you spell relief? P - o - w ... e - r - P - c.... 058___________________________________________________________________________ Now that the Pentium has been "fixed", does that mean it cannot "multiply" now? 059___________________________________________________________________________ SPCA: Society for Pentium Computation Anomalies. 060___________________________________________________________________________ Geesh, with a simple div problem now, I hate to see what happens when Intel dump CISC for RISC and has to write an emulator for the x86! 061___________________________________________________________________________ Will wonders never cease. This is a news flash from the world of quantum mechanics. A new fundamental law of the physical universe, called the "Intel uncertainty principle," has shaken the very foun- dations of modern physics. Briefly, the principle works something like this. Give any floating point division x/y on an Intel Pentium chip, you can either know the exact values x and y, or you can know the exact value of the quotient x/y, but it is impossible on a Pentium to know the precise values of x, y and x/y. A wave function Pm(x,y) - an irrational solution of the Grove equation (Andy Grove was the former president of the former chip manufacturer Intel) - describes the probability of finding the correct solution. Thus the new view modern physics is taking is that all floating point operations are probability wave functions. Similarly, the newly discovered P.C. exclu- sion principle prohibits replacement chips from ever occupying the same orbital as the original chip, thus effectively making such replacement impossible. 1-Dec-1994 Jacobson, Ohio & K.-H. Dittberner, Berlin 062___________________________________________________________________________ Intel Inside sat on a wall. Intel Inside had a great fall. All the king's lawyers and all the king's men couldn't put Intel Inside back together again. Mark Thorson 063___________________________________________________________________________ Intel's Night Before Christmas ------------------------------ By: Nabeel Robert Ibrahim 'Twas the night before Christmas, And all over the 'Net, All the posts about Intel, Made everyone fret, The whiners were vocal, They wouldn't shut up, Complaining about Intel's, FDIV cover up, The engineers were nestled, All snug in their labs, Worrying about Intel's, Mistake in the fabs, They made up excuses, On how they're affected, They called up Intel, And were promptly rejected, And soon IBM jumped, Right into the fray, "We'll stop shipping Pentiums, As of later today." But their statement was just, More political lies, Because they said the next day, "We're still shipping those dies!" But from where came this noise, And vindictive clatter, About a minor flaw, That should not have mattered, Well there was a math prof, Doing work in V A, He came to realize that, Divs shouldn't happen this way, So Prof. Nicely described, The bug that he found, It wasn't too long later, That news got around, Lots of people complained, Without reason or rhyme, Just because number five, Equalled four point nine nine, The media latched on, And rumors were spread, It took no time to proclaim, That Intel was dead, As I was reading more news, A thought came to me, Intel can't possibly die, The have a monopoly, So on Andy, on Craig, on Gordon and Vin, Make sure with P6, This doesn't happen again, As I logged off, I thought: "This debate is absurd." So I soon logged back in, And uttered these words, "There are too many issues, I refuse to take sides. Merry Christmas to all, And watch your divides." HO, HO, HO!! 064___________________________________________________________________________ Q: Do you know why Pentiums are faster than 486s in calculations? A: Because Pentiums guess the numbers. 065___________________________________________________________________________ Q: If you find a civilisation which uses Pentiums to control everything, what can you predict about this kind of civilisation? A: This civilisation will be destroyed in the next 27000 years. 066___________________________________________________________________________ Q: How can you get a discount by buying a Pentium? A: Tell the seller to apply the VAT (tax) by using a Pentium. 067___________________________________________________________________________ Q: Why did people take so long to detect that Pentiums have a bug? A: Because most of the people use Microsoft Windows (tm). Too hard to detect a bug from thousands. 068___________________________________________________________________________ Q: Why a scientist does not care about the Pentium bug? A: Becaus he doesn't have one! 069___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you have to do to make Intel interest in you? A: Tell them by posting an article to "comp.sys.intel" that your Pentium passed all the tests and it doesn't have any Pentium bug at all. 070___________________________________________________________________________ According to Nostradamus, there are TWO flaws in the Pentium. What else is INTEL hiding from us ? Century II, VI: Aupres des portes & dedans deux citez Seront deux fleaux, & onc n'apperceut VN TEL, Faim, dedans peste, de fer hors gens boutez, Crier secours au grand Dieu immortel. -------------- Near the gates and inside two cities Will be TWO FLAWS, and nobody noticed it [from] INTEL Hunger, pest inside, by steel people thrown out Cry for help to the great immortal God. 071___________________________________________________________________________ Barbie has "Intel inside"! I hear that Pentiums were used in the talking Barbies. And that's why when you pull the string, they say "math is hard!" 072___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What's the best strategy for the PowerPC alliance to topple Intel? A: FDIV & Conquer. (Divide & Conquer) 073___________________________________________________________________________ A really new verb is born: to intel (English) inteln (German) intel -- inteled -- inteled (English) inteln -- intelte -- geintelt (German) Definition: English: [to be done] German: Sich selbst ein Desaster einbrocken oder eine Falle/ein Bein stellen, wie es der Prozessorhersteller Intel 1994 mit dem 6-millionenfach im Pentium-Chip eingebauten Rechenfehler und dessen unglaublich arroganten, kundenunfreundlichen Handhabung vorgemacht hat. 074___________________________________________________________________________ Regarding the Pentium or other buggy products (hello, Microsoft): Engineer #1: "It's state of the art!" <-- Yes, that could be an Intel one. Engineer #2: "But it doesn't work!" Engineer #1: "Yes, that's the state of the art." 075___________________________________________________________________________ This is a pointer to: H A L 9 0 0 0 - P e n t i u m The Movie Script. Could be found on ftp server ftp.grumed.fu-berlin.de in directory PC as file PBUG_HAL_9000_THE_MOVIE_SCRIPT.TXT 076___________________________________________________________________________ Intel inside -------> Insel intide ^ ^ ^ ^ Source: The Economist 077___________________________________________________________________________ Here is a program that proves that the Pentium FDIV bug happens only once in 27000 years, as stated by Intel Corp., Santa Clara. #include #include #define Seconds_per_Year (365 * 24 * 3600) main() { double x = 4195835; double y = 3145727; int i; while (1) { if ((x - (x/y) * y) > 0.0) printf( "Major bug detected in Intel shitbox.\n"); for (i = 0; i < 27000; i++) sleep(Seconds_per_Year); } } 078___________________________________________________________________________ Some anagrams: Intel Corporation ---> No Protection, Liar ---> In Retraction Loop ---> Toleration Incorp ---> No Retro Plication 079___________________________________________________________________________ Because in the Airbus Pentium processors take care of "security", we now know why they always come down although there are multiple systems for mutual checking... (As it is known, a bug within the Pentium produces more or less severe calculation errors...). So, let's listen to such a "Multi- Pentium-Computer" at work... The touch-down process: Pentium1: Hey, aren't we already too low ? Pentium2: Rubbish, follow to my calculations, we are too high ! Pentium3: Where are we at all ? Pentium4: Too high is right, we can go lower. Pentium1: And I say too LOW !!! Pentium2: Too high too high too high !!! Pentium3: I'm going to play Pacman for a while... Pentium4: So take her down. Pentium1: The radar says we're nearly touching the trees. Pentium2: Do you believe the radar, or our calculations ? Pentium3: I'd rather play X-Wing... Pentium4: Well, uh, 3, err, 2 against 1. We're going lower ! Pentium1: I'm going to tell it Billy Boy ! Pentium2: Hey, this pilot guy wants to pull her up, this Idiot ! Pentium3: If I'm big, I want to be a Motorola ! Pentium4: Always these humans ! Manual control off ! We're taking over ! Pentium1: *Grumble* Pentium2: Hey, what's doing such a noise out there ? Pentium3: I'm a pink wedding cake, tuedelt dideldumm... Pentium4: What are the trees doing up here ? Such a shi... CRAASSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! Later, in the news: ... Last evening, an Airbus crashed while the touch-down maneuver. They are still searching for the reasons. The BlackBox gave no proper results until now, but the frequent sentence "pink wedding cake" let us believe ... lamm@alma.student.uni-kl.de 080___________________________________________________________________________ Until now, one says "Computers don't make mistakes". Thanks the latest hardware technology, this fault has been solved. 081___________________________________________________________________________ Q: Does anybody know what the word "pentium" really means ? A: The number of chips you have to buy before you get a working one. 082___________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________